Code of conduct
Of all the things that make Lovely Fate events special, by far the most important are the wonderful and diverse group of people that make up our membership, and the fun & positive energy that you bring to our events. The below code is a guide to help us remember what our club stands for as we grow and welcome new members, so that we can keep our events feeling magical.
As a member of Lovely Fate, you are responsible for yourself and any guests you bring with you being aware of these guidelines and adhering to them.
Lovely Fate is a haven for expression of each member’s true nature, free from fear of judgment based on standard societal norms. Be yourself, and respect others who are doing so.
We practice enthusiastic consent for all intimate interactions. For those new to our world, this may feel unusual at first. But once you realize you are surrounded by people who find consent & communication sexy, it will start to become second nature. Talk about what you want to do before you do it. Yes means yes, maybe means no. Don’t try to join in on someone else’s play without being invited by the participants. Once playing, don’t go beyond the boundaries discussed with your play partner without asking. Do not touch another attendee without their permission.
Know your limits. Communication is two-way. Feel good about saying “no thanks.” Don’t be afraid to say “stop” or use your safeword if you are feeling uncomfortable about anything happening in your play scene. There is no shame in using your safeword, and any good play partner will only respect you more for doing so.
No kink shaming. “Your kink is not my kink, and that’s ok” are good words to live by. Sexual interests are a funny thing. They are as weird and varied as the day is long. Maybe you didn’t even know that what those two people (or 3, or more) are doing was a thing, or why anyone would be into that. As long as it is between consenting adults, be respectful of other people’s right to explore their desires.
No slut shaming of any kind. If you want to be part of our world of erotic exploration, then this is the price of admission. Shake free from whatever society has told you is ok or not ok, and accept that every person has the right to explore their sexuality in whatever way they desire, on their own terms. Breaching anyone’s privacy by posting about their activities online, or posting intimate pictures of them without their consent, is a cardinal sin in our community.
Don’t be pushy! It can be exciting and intoxicating when you meet a new potential play partner. But let things run their course naturally. Don’t pressure anyone to do anything sooner than they are comfortable with. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If someone tells you they don’t want to play (or don’t want to right now), don’t keep asking them.
Be kind! Not every member will be your “type” to play with - be nice and respectful with them anyway. Body shaming comments have no place at our events. If someone asks you to play and you’re not interested, just say “no thanks” and leave it at that.
Take rejection gracefully. If someone turns down your invitation to play, then it is on you to accept this with grace, be polite, and move on. It is not acceptable to insist on any explanation of why they don’t want to play with you, to be rude or negative in response, or to keep pestering them about it.
Be cool. Aggressive behavior of any kind is not welcome at our events. Whether it’s toward other attendees, our event crew, or your partner, don’t inflict your negative vibes on anyone at our events. If you’re in a bad mood, then just stay home and come out to play another day.
Play safe. Some types of play can involve inherent risks. Please don’t attempt any type of activity unless you are educated in how to do it with risk mitigation in mind, and in a state of mind which is conducive to safe play. This includes activities that may seem harmless to the untrained eye, such as rope bondage (aka shibari).
Intoxication. If you choose to drink alcohol, please do so in moderation. If you are drunk, you may not be as mindful of your own boundaries or those of others. Anyone who seems overly intoxicated at an event, or seen with anything that looks like illegal drugs, may be asked to leave.
Be welcoming of newcomers. When you have found an incredible community, it can be a natural human instinct to assert your place in it and try to protect it for yourself. Instead, when newcomers join, be friendly and make them feel welcome just as others did to you when you first joined.
Condom use should be discussed before engaging in sexual play with a new play partner. You must use a condom for penetrative sex, unless all parties involved have explicitly discussed and agreed otherwise. Removing a condom during sex without your play partner knowing & agreeing is a consent violation, and will be treated as such.
Know your status. Not everyone engages in play at our events. And some engage in play only with their partner, or with others but only in ways that are not directly sexual. For these reasons, we do not require attendees at our events to show us proof of a recent STI test. Nevertheless, all attendees should be responsible for being tested regularly, knowing your status, and being honest and open about it with any potential play partner. If you choose to engage in sexual play with someone that you meet at an event, you should approach it with the same level of caution that you would if you met somebody at a bar or on a dating app - and we strongly recommend that you always use protection (see number 13 above).
“Red” is a universal safeword at our events. Say this word if you are feeling uncomfortable with anything that is happening to you. If you hear someone say this word, stop whatever you are doing immediately, and check in with the person.
No pay for play. All play at our events is done for the joy of it. It is not ok to offer or ask for money in exchange for play.
Clean up after yourself. If you decide to play, please be sure to wipe down any furniture or other equipment that you used, with the alcohol spray and wipes that are provided. Whoever is in that spot after you will very much appreciate it!
Cameras and phones are not allowed to be used in most areas at our events. By not allowing photos, all attendees can feel more uninhibited to explore their desires safely. We ask that no phones be used (even for text messaging) so that everyone in the room can be sure you aren’t using it to take a picture. Each event will have a designated & sign-posted area where you can check your phone / make calls, and some events may also have a photo booth area, which is the only exception to the no photo rule.
With the emergence of innocuous-looking “smart” glasses with video and photo recording capability built into them, please know that these devices are strictly forbidden at our events. Anyone seen wearing one will be assumed to be attempting to record without consent, and you will be permanently banned from Lovely Fate as well as other play communities that participate in the sharing of attendee blacklists.
Watch politely. Many of our members don’t mind at all being watched while they play. So unless someone asks you not to… watch away! But please do so from a respectful distance, and keep any talking quiet so as not to interrupt the vibe of other people’s play.
No promotional activity or aggressive “networking”. We get that we have an awesome group of people that you’d like to spend more time with. But our attendees come to our events to enjoy themselves - not to hear about your business venture. Whether you are launching a new party or promoting your services, we don’t need to hear about it at our events. Any unsolicited mention of a business you’re involved in to an attendee or crew member you have just met that evening will count as a breach of this rule and you’ll be asked to leave. When it comes to meeting people, let it happen organically. If you go around trying to introduce yourself to most of the people in the room, and / or asking for contact details from more than a couple of people, then that will probably seem to us like aggressive networking. Be chill, and meet people at a natural pace.
Voice your concerns. Help us keep Lovely Fate awesome as we grow. If you see someone acting contrary to the spirit of our community and this code of conduct, please let us know by telling a Lovely Fate crew member at the event (identified by a glowing red wristband), or after the event using our Report an Incident form. This page also includes contact details for our independent Ethics Liaison, in case you have a concern involving a member of the Lovely Fate leadership team, and feel that it may not otherwise be fairly addressed.
These guidelines are intended to help convey the spirit of how we treat one another in our community, not an exhaustive list of rules. We expect that this code will evolve over time, and we welcome your input. If you have any comments or suggestions, please let us know by emailing us at hello@lovelyfate.com.