February 4, 2020

To tell, or not to tell

by Dahlia Foxel

Lovely Fate member Dahlia on whether and when you might tell your “regular” friends about your kinky adventures.

So you like kinky sex!  And being tied up, and having your hair pulled, and maybe a little choking as long as they know what they’re doing.  And it turns out getting flogged feels amazing, and being suspended in shibari makes you feel all floaty (in more ways than one).  Who knew play parties could be so much fun? Great!

You’re off to a fantastic start in your adventures of exploring the world of kink & BDSM.

In fact, it’s so fun, it’s starting to feel like you’re living a bit of a double life not telling your “normal” friends what you’ve been up to.  The “hanging out with your cousin from out of town” excuse has been well-worn, and you’re wondering about coming clean, maybe even inviting your friend along to a play party.

What to do?

What I have described is not every kinky newbie’s journey.  Some people are totally open with everyone about their kinky lives, and others keep it so closeted that they would never even consider telling people in their vanilla lives about their forays into kinky play parties.  But this was my journey, more or less – and I think similar thoughts have crossed the mind of many people who are starting to enjoy coming to kinky events.

When I first started going to events in the kink “scene”, there was zero crossover between my normal world and my kink world.  The friends I made at kink events, I would only ever see at kink events. And I sure wasn’t going to let them meet anyone from my vanilla world – be that college friends, roommates, work friends, or otherwise.  

Over time, some of my friends that I had met through kink events actually started to become quite close friends… even some of my best friends.  It started to feel a bit strange if I had a birthday party (for example), and didn’t invite any of them along. And so gradually, the two worlds began to meet.

What I also found happening is that the more time I spent at kink events, or with kinky friends, with people being so comfortable and open talking about their fetishes and sexy exploits, the more comfortable was with myself as a kinksters.  Things that I had been so embarrassed about being into that I could barely bring myself to talk about became just interesting aspects of my personality that I was happy to talk about with fellow kinksters.

With the combination of these two trends, it eventually didn’t seem too scary to casually drop mention of a some of tidbits into conversation with some select vanilla friends.  

“Last night?  Oh, I went to a sex party in downtown… it was pretty good, actually…”

Or… “Fifty shades?  The way they portrayed BDSM was a bit lame compared to the real thing.”

Boom.  Mic dropped.  Await the reaction of shock and revulsion.

But it never came… 

In fact, almost universally, the reaction ranged from “oh, that sounds cool – tell me more!” to “I didn’t know you were kinky too – my boyfriend and I rented a private dungeon last weekend”.

It turned out that my “vanilla” friends were a lot kinkier than I realized – it was just that nobody had wanted to be the first to say anything, for fear of being judged as a weirdo.

Nowadays, I’m at the point where I’m pretty open talking about my kinky life to any friends that are interested.  If want to know more (which most do), I give them some juicy details. If they’re not into it (only a couple), then we talk about other things.  It’s a huge burden lifted not having to think about what I can share with who – and to just be open and honest about where I’m going and what I’ve been up to.

Some of my friends have even checked out play parties with me.  All of them had a good time and were full of gratitude for me introducing them to a liberated, sexy community that they never even knew existed.

So, what should you do?  I say – move at your own speed in opening up to your vanilla friends about your kinky lift.  But if, and when, you do – you’ll probably find a lot less negative, and a lot more positive, than you think.